coffee

wicked wicked mourning
saturday coffee breaks
a twisty twisty chair
and a sickness too much to take
you linger within my mind
like a dirty trick, a joke
it plagues me
it's your eyes that kill me
a knife circulating through my chest
you speak sonnets with those eyes........

I dunno..that's just a rough draft I will finish it later.

Void.

Many thoughts in my brain at the moment. I can be very bad at verbalizing my feelings but great at writing them. When I have alot going on in my brain though, that isn't the case...because I may be wanting to avoid coming to terms with certain things in my head...so when that battle is taking place my words scurry through the air and when I'm writing the pen doesn't move and I end up just scribbling or becoming distracted because I'm frustrated and can't make anything out.

I went out to eat Friday for lunch and the ex was there. I didn't know that until I saw her stupid friend walk to the restroom...might I add she glared at me. I'm just minding my own business and I get an evil stare. I text S and say " come say hi."
We don't spit fire when we speak anymore. She is with someone twice her age now, and I'm sooo over her and genuinly happy she has someone to distract her from her hatred torward me. I just texted her to be nice, was trying to be the bigger person. She doesn't text me back and walks out with her friend, and then calls me and is like " my phone was in my car." I say have a great day. goodbye.

Anyway. Moving on.

My heart hurts immensily. I am so thankful to have E. She is great to talk to, and always there. She actually cares about how I feel and what I think. I can't say that for many other people. I don't know. T has made me out to be such a nutcase...or did after certain happenings. She told me all that stuff and then denied even saying it. N was there when T said it, so I'm not fucking crazy. L says he will always be there for me and we will always be friends...and that's great. That makes me happy but I feel so left out. I feel like T took my friend away and that makes me sad. I miss my friend and talking all the time and she comes along and he is consumed with her. Now my life is crumbling before my eyes, and I feel like they are so wrapped up in one another it's ridiculous. Life really is unfair sometimes. I'm not one to take things lying down though. I'll get over this petty stuff. If they are my true friends, time will tell indeed. My life is not crumbling before my eyes over stupid shit. Real shit is going on...shit that is keeping me awake at night....I'm really struggling right now.
I made a decision...and I hope that this decision I made turns out the way I want it to. I'm flying from the seat of my pants..because that is what life is about.

Today it rained. It was cloudy and it started pouring rain then all of a sudden the sun came through the clouds and it was bright and raining. It was so beautiful and then came a rainbow...amazing.

I really want to get into jogging and running. I feel like walking is wonderful and all but I feel like getting into running will really be great for me mentally. 1 moment in my day just to be completely peaceful...at ease...

I'm tired. why do I even write these?....

mirrors

Mirrors can lie.
Mirrors do not hold the truth,
Just like words on paper do not always say what's real
That's why I read between the lines,
And look through the mirror and see lines on my face
Forcing that smile
Words dance on the paper while the painting on the wall
Waves me over to join in the party
I can't dance right now, not yet
There is always a code, something to crack
And it makes me feel like everything is thin like paper
No one is true but you, deep within your soul and brain
And nobody can see that, maybe not even you
I look in the mirror, focus on my lackluster smile
I see a girl, a woman who can't muster it
Who can smile with her eyes
And if you look closely, you will see she is falling in love
With the way the the fabric folds over her desk
The way the heat is so unbearable but at night, it almost saves her
With her fingers moving wildly with pen and paper... a dance...
An intensity that can't be dreamed up
And she is in love with the scurrying of people in a building
Angry, pushing, in a hurry ...just to make it home five minutes earlier than Yesterday
So they can sit there, on their couch staring at their ivory walls..
Searching for a reason to smile again
Children tugging at their pants, saying "pick me pick me"
I will be that smile, I will be that dance in the moonlight
It's just funny, this life...this horse and buggy
It is all laughable, the great, the wretched, the senile
And when the mirror breaks,
I will laugh... all the way to my grave