A Tall Order

this time in my life

2009-01-23T12:44:00.000-08:00

This Time In My Life by Tracy Chapman is an amazing song. I was at the gym, trying to find a song on my ipod to pump me up...and no this song didn't do it...but I sat on the workout bench just listening to this song. It was like I was happy and sad at the same time. It made me want to be a better person. Just in that moment.

I've been sick lately. I just want to feel better.

I thought I had more things to say, but I guess I didn't.

overandover

2009-01-17T15:08:00.000-08:00

If I don't write, if I dont keep putting down my thoughts my brain will for certain explode.

dad's painting

2008-11-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

The rolled, crinkled canvas
had once been stapled to a man's wall
his room an old chapel
with chapel seating around the room
dishes living in the sink for weeks
one box of takeout in the fridge
this day has alot of meaning
I discover the pain seeping in and out
up and down
throughout his eyes
I can't cry
I can only look at the tall grass outside the "chapel" window
He hides
like I would one day hide
He runs
like I would one day run
He lies
like I would one day lie
this painting, rolled up and tied down
in my closet
holds the past in it's black and red lips
stapled to my brain
I can't shake his room
from my brain
that painting that hangs on my wall
as of today
brings me back to a church parking lot with roller skates
blue shorts, pink shirt, hair that refused to be brushed
a girl searching for adventure in a small bed of grass and buttercup flowers
the man with the canvas would never be the father he needed to be
just a bloke who couldn't understand how to love
how to feel someone else's pain
or know his little girl wanted to sit on daddy's lap
or have him tell her the way of the world
this chair beckons for me to turn the other way
change the music
tear down that memory
and shove it back to the bottom of that box
suffocating truth, and lies , tears that would stream and dance down my face
just forget those blackened lips
blue lines slashing across canvas
this story has no end
no real beginning
just shades of colors
dancing on paper
trying to find their way
just like me

scarves and hangers

2008-10-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

edge of the bed
toes pushed into brown carpet
I feel Him today
pressing against my chest
tips of my fingers
corners of my mouth
hands up in the air
.revived.
The doors are waiting for me
to crack them open
and run
He whispers soflty
"don't worry about them,
it's you who can make the change
I have given you gifts
in which you have failed to open
conquer the fear that is in every pore of your skin
trust me
this love will never end"
I praise Him
cry for Him
dance in the rain
raise my hands up trying to grab His collar
"Just hold me," I cry.
All this time, he has held me
been in my presence
I haven't been true
but tomorrow the day is new

coffee

2008-08-12T00:10:00.001-07:00

wicked wicked mourning
saturday coffee breaks
a twisty twisty chair
and a sickness too much to take
you linger within my mind
like a dirty trick, a joke
it plagues me
it's your eyes that kill me
a knife circulating through my chest
you speak sonnets with those eyes........

I dunno..that's just a rough draft I will finish it later.

Void.

2008-08-10T01:48:00.000-07:00

Many thoughts in my brain at the moment. I can be very bad at verbalizing my feelings but great at writing them. When I have alot going on in my brain though, that isn't the case...because I may be wanting to avoid coming to terms with certain things in my head...so when that battle is taking place my words scurry through the air and when I'm writing the pen doesn't move and I end up just scribbling or becoming distracted because I'm frustrated and can't make anything out.

I went out to eat Friday for lunch and the ex was there. I didn't know that until I saw her stupid friend walk to the restroom...might I add she glared at me. I'm just minding my own business and I get an evil stare. I text S and say " come say hi."
We don't spit fire when we speak anymore. She is with someone twice her age now, and I'm sooo over her and genuinly happy she has someone to distract her from her hatred torward me. I just texted her to be nice, was trying to be the bigger person. She doesn't text me back and walks out with her friend, and then calls me and is like " my phone was in my car." I say have a great day. goodbye.

Anyway. Moving on.

My heart hurts immensily. I am so thankful to have E. She is great to talk to, and always there. She actually cares about how I feel and what I think. I can't say that for many other people. I don't know. T has made me out to be such a nutcase...or did after certain happenings. She told me all that stuff and then denied even saying it. N was there when T said it, so I'm not fucking crazy. L says he will always be there for me and we will always be friends...and that's great. That makes me happy but I feel so left out. I feel like T took my friend away and that makes me sad. I miss my friend and talking all the time and she comes along and he is consumed with her. Now my life is crumbling before my eyes, and I feel like they are so wrapped up in one another it's ridiculous. Life really is unfair sometimes. I'm not one to take things lying down though. I'll get over this petty stuff. If they are my true friends, time will tell indeed. My life is not crumbling before my eyes over stupid shit. Real shit is going on...shit that is keeping me awake at night....I'm really struggling right now.
I made a decision...and I hope that this decision I made turns out the way I want it to. I'm flying from the seat of my pants..because that is what life is about.

Today it rained. It was cloudy and it started pouring rain then all of a sudden the sun came through the clouds and it was bright and raining. It was so beautiful and then came a rainbow...amazing.

I really want to get into jogging and running. I feel like walking is wonderful and all but I feel like getting into running will really be great for me mentally. 1 moment in my day just to be completely peaceful...at ease...

I'm tired. why do I even write these?....

mirrors

2008-08-04T03:53:00.000-07:00

Mirrors can lie.
Mirrors do not hold the truth,
Just like words on paper do not always say what's real
That's why I read between the lines,
And look through the mirror and see lines on my face
Forcing that smile
Words dance on the paper while the painting on the wall
Waves me over to join in the party
I can't dance right now, not yet
There is always a code, something to crack
And it makes me feel like everything is thin like paper
No one is true but you, deep within your soul and brain
And nobody can see that, maybe not even you
I look in the mirror, focus on my lackluster smile
I see a girl, a woman who can't muster it
Who can smile with her eyes
And if you look closely, you will see she is falling in love
With the way the the fabric folds over her desk
The way the heat is so unbearable but at night, it almost saves her
With her fingers moving wildly with pen and paper... a dance...
An intensity that can't be dreamed up
And she is in love with the scurrying of people in a building
Angry, pushing, in a hurry ...just to make it home five minutes earlier than Yesterday
So they can sit there, on their couch staring at their ivory walls..
Searching for a reason to smile again
Children tugging at their pants, saying "pick me pick me"
I will be that smile, I will be that dance in the moonlight
It's just funny, this life...this horse and buggy
It is all laughable, the great, the wretched, the senile
And when the mirror breaks,
I will laugh... all the way to my grave

Exhausted.

2007-12-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. So fucking tired. Every day is a battle with her. (We aren't even dating)

Yet for some reason we are fighting every single day and I don't know how or why. We broke up and are having the same problems we did when we were together.

I'm reading over a text from her that says "you are the definition of a cunt"

I just don't know anything. I don't know how to make things right..I don't know where to begin...

5

2007-11-17T00:07:00.000-08:00

Steps backward.

5 fucking steps....

Alcohol

2007-11-04T23:54:00.000-08:00

It really takes the pain away.

Turmoil

2007-10-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

It's so fucking hard.

It's too much for me. I can't fucking sleep.........

why????

insane

2007-09-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

Im good at looking at the walls. Walls never have any answers but I look at them as if they hold the key to everything.

Been watching a lot of the L word and realizing Jenny is fucking insane but in an odd way I see myself in her. I get her twisted mind. hm.

I miss having a lover. someone to kiss my forehead to graze my cheek.

It's so depressing. That is a major understatement.

Life is so hard to conquer. Itsfuckinginsane.